Content warning for: smol penis
I asked Ragnhild if we could take a paternity test. She denied having slept with any other men while in Norway, but I didn’t believe her. She worked on an offshore oil rig. Those were always crawling with horny men, but then Ragnhild said that I was in no position to judge them.
Which was true. I learned the value of keeping my big mouth shut about the past in America, and that lust for Thu that never went away. I simply got better at controlling my impulses to touch myself every time the memory of her warm, cashmere-like skin crossed my mind.
The phlebotomist on duty drew from the both of us. While Ragnhild needed the blood test for reasons about separating fetal DNA from hers, I didn’t, but she wanted it to be equal. Whatever. It was how I would get what I wanted and, if I was lucky, I’d be free of the responsibility. And Ragnhild would be stuck in Germany, but that wasn’t my concern.
“You look tense,” said Ragnhild. “Did she miss a vein?”
“How am I going to explain this to the university?” I said to myself. “Can people with cancer still fuck? I can’t hide a kid from them forever…if it’s mine.”
“Is that the lie you told?”
“Shut up, I was put on the spot by Dr. Krause.”
Ragnhild’s eyes widened. “Okay, I understand now.”
“She really made you wonder if dropping out of uni was a good idea, right?” I asked, chuckling a little.
“She did that to everyone.”
It was…relieving to be able to laugh with her. It didn’t feel as tense as our night at the hotel either. Neither of us liked the situation that brought us to the closest ob-gyn, but we were no longer drunk and desperate either. And this was only the 12 week appointment too. It was scary how time went by, for sure, but we still had six months to get along and be co-parents.
Or that blood test would prove that she was an STD-ridden cockslut with super AIDS, but aside from a new lifetime of retrovirals, that would be fine too.
“Ah yes, Ms. Myhre? The twelve week scan is the moment of truth.” A skinny young tech walked in with a portable ultrasound machine on a cart. And did he just make a miscarriage joke? Imagine if Thu heard that. Imagine if she was the woman in the room with you right now, but then I remembered that I couldn’t tell that to Dr. Kovarik. Or my probation officer, though she couldn’t punish me for being a pervert.
“If you say it’s twins, then it’s very easy to make a man disappear in the winter,” said Ragnhild. That was something I did agree with. With her, and right now at our young ages, one was the most I would accept.
“I’ve escaped that before,” said the tech. I was watching the screen. While I didn’t know why I was so curious as to what we’d see, at least that was better than what Ragnhild was doing. Her eyes were only on the tech.
“Thank god for all of us, I found only one,” he said. “Beautiful.”
“You think so?” Ragnhild asked.
“Everything looks perfect so far.”
He even offered to print out the images, but Ragnhild declined. I could barely see anything about that little blob on the screen. But the image was there, frozen on the screen, so I couldn’t help but be fascinated. If Thu was there, she’d be gushing about a little head and feet and convince me that there was something useful about that image. It wasn’t even a thing about lust, but she would have been more happy than Ragnhild.
“It’s that kind of arrangement? Usually that’s only for the girls here alone,” the tech said.
“Name and number, all I’m asking for,” said Ragnhild, with one brow slowly raising up. She even folded her hand and put it up to her ear, in case he didn’t get it.
“Good…you are pretty,” he said. His name was Jörg, and he had a normal Windenburg cellphone number that was only two digits off from mine. He even invited her to his WhatsApp group.
“So, do you want Jörg’s number too?” Ragnhild asked once we were outside. “He’s very cute.”
“No way, he’s definitely not my type. He’s too skinny, just like me,” I said. “I’d rather have–”
“I get it, you want them big,” she said. “And maybe hairy. There’s nothing wrong with that.
My cheeks were burning because she read my mind and was also wrong. I wouldn’t fuck Jörg and I wouldn’t fuck any man again! Not after that weird uni party that felt a little good.
But as for how he looked? As for aesthetics? Jörg would be an exemplary specimen of man if he stood above 180cm and had rippling biceps covered in thick hair, like he just crawled out of the Black Forest. Smelling like pine would be a bonus too.
“Well, we behaved today,” I said to Ragnhild. “I’m…I’m glad he’s healthy. I don’t want to go through the alternative.”
“Bold to assume that it’s a boy,” said Ragnhild. “Thanks for not being Axel in front of him. Otherwise Jörg would call the cops.”
“Please, they all know me by now anyways.”
We had the appointment in the morning. Ragnhild couldn’t get hired by the newspaper, but one of the local restaurants in the business district was always hiring. She had to work for the lunch shift. And I had to go back to the university. I had to tell Dr. Winter that, yes, cancer patients could fuck (I had no clue) and then meet with the famed Mr. Karahalios.
I did not get a good first impression of him. He completely ignored my email about Jackie retaking his test. Now Jackie was looking for extra credit. Passing physics was important and Karahalios couldn’t even do the easiest part of his job. The biggest disappointment was that he didn’t have a picture on the university’s website for me to make fun of.
He had a cubicle in the adjuncts’ office, though, and even office hours to visit him during. Knowing his email habits, though, he wouldn’t make those in time either.
The physics department was close to me, only a stroll away from the corner I called my office. While their regular offices were as nice as any, the adjuncts’ shared office was a much sadder affair. Four cubicles and a table cramped into a small room. Their coffee maker and filthy and I could smell the burnt remnants of it.
Other professors were there, but they guided me towards Timo’s empty cubicle. Well, it was empty of him, but full of trash. Unpacked boxes, days-old takeout, and pictures of him, other guys, and a dog littered the cube. What a pig. He was probably the gross skinny one in that group photo too.
While his cubicle wasn’t stinky or rotting, the smell of old Chinese takeout hit my sinuses. I never ordered takeout with Thu for obvious reasons, but the stale odor made me gag. And cry.
I really messed up with her. And who else would come into my life like her? If they did, would I sink as low as I did? Go on probation or worse for being a complete arse in their honor? My only comfort was that I was sure it would never happen…
“…I don’t think I’ve seen you in any classes.”
It must have been Mr. Karahalios, standing there while bashfully shifting his weight from foot to foot.
And whoever it was, he was beautiful.
“Uh…you definitely haven’t,” I said, knowing that calling him beautiful in my first words would tank all of Jackie’s chances. “I’d remember a professor with a lip ring, Karahalios.” Among his lovely natural features, like thick Greek brows and arms that threatened to rip his sleeves at the seams, he had a simple pair of piercings to his right.
“No problem, but you can call me Timo. I know it’s easier.”
His voice was super-calm too, and almost gay sounding, as crass as that observation was. But sometimes the gay affect became trendy, and that boy was trendy. He probably got those piercings because his friends did…not like there was anything wrong with that. That explained my earrings too.
Whatever. I couldn’t obsess over anyone again. Most men had zero chance with me anyways, whether Ragnhild was right about me being bi or not.
“Look, Timo, I tried emailing you over a week ago about one of my tutoring students. He was looking to take a test again,” I said, at the wobbling table we sat at. “And now the state of your cubicle tells me everything.”
“I know…I’m not a clean guy,” he said. “Where do you work anyways?”
“Game Design…have you ever wanted to call in broken computers after one student dumps one of those gross whey drinks on them?”
“No, I do research too. I’m waiting to get into the doctorate program, but, if I tell too many people I’ll probably not get in. You know how that works.”
I nodded along. Hearing his voice was hypnotizing in the strangest way, even if he was a disgusting pig in how he treated his office. I knew that I couldn’t judge but I also kept our new apartment clean, and my habits were back to normal. Maybe Gian needed to find a new man to worry about, because he could clean Timo’s cubicle until it was spotless and smelled like lemons and rosemary. If he could tackle that apartment, he could do anything.
“Well…okay, I’m here for a reason. Can you at least give some extra credit to Jackie Lam, in your Physics I class? He was really hoping to retake the test, and according to your syllabus, it should be possible,” I said. “Also, I’m reviewed on how well I improve grades, and I need this job.”
“I’ll have to talk to the department head about it,” said Timo. “But I will. He’s a good student.”
“That test looked awful.” Jackie showed me some sample questions and they were written poorly, almost as if by an underpaid adjunct.
“It was, I was in a rush writing it.”
“So you’re doing this?” I asked him.
“Of course, I’m sorry about the email.”
I had to run to the bathroom immediately, though Timo didn’t seem to notice that I had to leave so quickly or why. And that was all for the better. I had a new resolution to keep my most embarrassing thoughts from getting the best of me.
I was so happy when the bathroom was empty too. And who knew, maybe what I thought happened didn’t happen at all–
“Fuck, not again!” It wasn’t even an ambiguous half-erection.
I couldn’t go back to work with a full boner, but I also couldn’t put my hand in my lap during work hours. And that was the only sure way to get rid of it.
Fuck me, I was so hard. I couldn’t remember the last time I was that horny, besides my months with Thu. Ragnhild had to work to get me erect enough for sex during the wedding party.
Timo wasn’t Thu, not in the slightest. He was actually her complete opposite in every way I could think of, but he was also gorgeous enough to bring me to my knees.
It was true, there was at least one man out there who was.
But I couldn’t dwell on it, like the time I ruined my life chasing the chance to make love to a crazy widow. Plus, there was no chance that he’d feel the same way about me. Not unless he was crazy as well.
A/N: hey buddy, did you hear the news? New Uptown chapters Wednesday/Friday, who knew?
Also, I was meaning to actually put this up on the blog, lol. No Stars over Uptown technically has a Discord server. I only say technically because most of the channels are just for general chatting, and I don’t want to talk about myself forever. Join the fun and self-promote whatever you like!